wake me up when september ends

Summer is over. School has started. Fall is here. I’m so not ready. I’m never ready.

I’m behind in all the internet things and all the life things and all the work things and maybe I should just come to terms with the fact that I’ll never be caught up ever and I’ll always be three steps behind while stressing about said three steps.

The weather has been perfect this week, which has helped with the whole transition-to-fall thing. Fall is murder on people who suffer with depression, and I’m doing all I can to avoid that deep, dark, inevitable pit.

I’m trying to make myself non-overwhelming, doable lists, hoping to give myself something to aim for, but not the overwhelming feeling of failure if I don’t do what I set out to do that day. (I’m not looking for encouragement here, it’s just a pattern I know in myself, and I’m trying to combat it.)

I’m self-destructive, which is especially pronounced when I’m feeling down. I get overwhelmed by things, and instead of working at it slowly, I do nothing and I fall further behind and I increase the feeling of failure. I’m really, really good at that.

It’s ok, though. I’m doing little things to force myself to combat the self-hatred that comes this time of year. Like committing to reading a chapter of a book with the girls every night (we just finished Little House in the Big Woods and are on to Little House on the Prairie) and making sure to play outside with Preston while the girls are at school when the weather allows, which is every day this week. I know those sound like little things, but to me, they’re huge.

Also, Noah and I have been watching Friends in the evenings, which always helps. That show will cheer me up no matter what has me down, and will make me laugh out loud even if I’ve seen the episode 87 times already. Laughing is good.

I guess it helps, too, that the girls’ activities started gradually this week, and they’re in full-swing next week. I’m going to be spending a lot of time at the pool and the dance school. I have a pile of books ready for this. Distractions are good, is what I’m saying.

I didn’t mean to make this post all depressing, I actually meant to post about school starting, and then, well, word vomit happened. Whoops. So, I’ll just wish you a Happy Fall (I’m trying to accept that F-word.) At least fall is pretty and colourful. I like colourful.