my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day full of first-world problems and diamond shoes

I really should not have gotten out of bed this morning. The moment I opened my eyes, I knew the day was going to suck. Sometimes I can just feel it, okay? You can call me pessimistic, but I’ll just throw you in my five-foot-high snowbank.

As I was driving Kaylie to school, I felt a bit of cold air on my face. I thought it was kind of weird, but figured my brain was messing with me, as it often does. But then Liliana got mad at me for having the cold air on her and I did a little more investigating and found that all the vents were pushing out icy cold air. Perfect! I called Noah to call the dealership we bought our BRAND NEW van from FOUR MONTHS AGO and yell at them. And to tell them that I was on my way with three little kids so they’d better be ready for me.

Noah had initially said that the dealership said that they were not going to provide a replacement vehicle WHAT THE CRAP. But, when I (kindly, calmly) talked to the service lady, she asked me if I’d need a rental vehicle. YES, PLEASE. Kids to pick up, babies to get home, gonna be hard without a vehicle.

I’d mentioned something about having to pick my kid up from school, and she asked me how many kids I had (as in, how many seats would I need). “Four,” I said.

“YOU HAVE FOUR KIDS?!”

“Well, three. But I have four kids during the day, and they all need to sit somewhere.”

“You do not look old enough to have three kids.”

THANKS. I’VE NEVER BEEN TOLD THAT BEFORE.

I took Liliana and the babies, still in their car seats, into the dealership to wait for the rental. I figured if I kept the boys in their car seats, I might not lose my mind completely. Turns out I did anyway because it took a year and a day for the rental to show up (turns out it was dead and frozen and YAY!) and both babies completely lost it (back-arching screaming!), even though I let one watch Backyardigans on my iPhone (they were NOT impressed with me when I tried to hold it between them, and when one is holding it, the other cannot see it) and held one, trying to distract him. SUCH GOOD TIMES! At least one of the sales guys entertained Liliana (or, well, it was probably the other way around).

When the guy finally showed up with the van (I was told the best they could do was a car, so seeing the van was a nice surprise), the kids were at their wit’s end. But the old man (I guessed 75-80) who picked us up was kind and cheerful, and he put me in a better mood.

Oh, and I should also mention that I forgot my license. So I had to get a ride to my house to get my license and then to the dealership to prove that I have a driver’s license. I couldn’t have had a better driver, though. He was fascinating. He used to travel the world as a photographer/videographer. Before there was colour TV. I would kill to see his work. Also, his son and grandkids were scheduled to come in in a couple hours and his excitement was palpable. I could have talked with him for a couple more hours. Apparently I’m in desperate need of some grandparent time.

The van I rented is exactly like our van, except white and a base model. I drove for 13 years just fine without a back-up camera, but now that I’ve had one for four-and-a-half months, I find it difficult to back up without one. I said no to the extra collision insurance because (I’m stupid, and) I didn’t see why my vehicle crapping out had to cost me anything. The work should be covered under warranty, and the dealership is covering the rental. Also, I’m cheap. Let’s just say that I’ve been obeying ALL THE TRAFFIC LAWS. Every single one. With extra shoulder-checking.

So since I am the only one registered and therefore allowed to drive the rental van, I had to drive Noah and Kaylie to the church’s mid-week program this evening. Noah had said something about buying me a slurpee to replace the one he bought me last that was terrible. Not his fault, they just apparently hadn’t changed their mix in a very, very long time. I hadn’t demanded (or even asked for) a replacement, I’ve just had a cold for the last 864 days and the cold feels good on my throat and he takes really good care of me. Anyway, so we stopped by 7 Eleven to pick one up. Shortly after Noah got back in the van, he said something about forgetting his keys. Noah never leaves the house without his keys.

I’d given my set of house keys to the lady at the dealership when I dropped the van off this morning because we have an extra set of keys with the garage key on them and I hate taking keys off key rings. Don’t ask me why we don’t cut another garage key so that we can each have one. That would just make too much sense. I’d kept the garage keys (and spare house key) in my sweater pocket, but apparently Kaylie took out the trash before we left and took the garage keys to do so. Then she’d hung them up where they belong instead of putting them back in my pocket. What a time to do things properly.

So, we were house-key-less. Thankfully, Noah was still with me when we came to this realization because if I’d taken the kids home, put the van in the garage, and discovered my lack of keys when I tried unsuccessfully to find the garage keys in my pocket to open the front door, I would have been hooped. Because here’s the other thing. I also forgot my phone at home. I never leave the house without my phone. I hardly leave the couch without my phone. But, with all the Backyardigan episodes I’d played for the boys earlier in the day, my phone was deader than dead and it was charging. And, unlike in our van, there is no place to charge a phone in the rental. So I would have been locked out of the garage and locked out of the house, phone-less, with two little kids. In -30°C/-22°F temperatures.

I couldn’t even go to a neighbor’s for help because we haven’t bothered to get to know the neighbors because we’re horrible people. And the basement suite under our place is empty at the moment, so I would have been out of luck there, too.

I make very bad decisions.

But thankfully, none of that happened. Noah did not forget his phone (the last time he did that he went for a little ride in a cop car), so he called our landlord and we picked up keys. Conveniently, they live right by the church, so it was on our way anyway. Before leaving the garage (and therefore the van, the only thing I for sure had keys to), I made sure that the keys we’d picked up opened the garage door. JUST IN CASE. They did, and one of the other keys opened the front door. VICTORY IS MINE.

Now if I could only figure out how to keep Preston from ripping ornaments off the tree. Then I’d really be winning.

I did (almost) end the day on a high note, though. I made teacher gifts with the girls. We even used Mason jars! We could pin the gifts we made! Except that they’re not exactly pinterest-worthy, but who cares. Mason jars!

I wanted to do something with them that took effort and thought on their part, because it’s the thought that counts, right? The girls made cards and filled jars with home-made hot cocoa mix. I’ve never done teacher gifts before, because the last day of school always creeps up on me and then I feel really bad for not doing anything. NOT THIS YEAR.

When Kaylie was finally in bed and I was getting ready to finish my slurpee (I’d left it in the van till Noah got home so that I wouldn’t have to share it)(because I’m selfish)(and SICK) and watch some Boy Meets World with Noah, I was feeling like I was ending the craptastic day on a high note. And then I remembered that I was supposed to make a dessert for the “Christmas dinner” Kaylie is having with her class tomorrow. Doh!

So I went to make the squares I’d planned to make, as I’d bought ingredients to do so a couple days ago, but then I discovered that I hadn’t bought butter. And we’re out of butter.

I give up.

And I just realized that I was going to make peanut butter marshmallow squares, and peanut butter is a banned substance.

Someone take me out and shoot me already.

*Does anyone else remember that book? Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day? No? Just me? If I remember the book right, I think it is one Liliana would like.