The Bachelor: Episode 5 Recap

Eleven are left. Who will be voted out tonight?

Vietnam! I kind of want to be there right now. It looks tropical. Where I am right now is the opposite of tropical. Maybe I should join the crew of the Bachelor. That would be my ticket to all these places without having to be in front of the camera.

There will be lots of tears tonight. Woo!

Date card! Andi really wants a one-on-one date. “Renee, are we the right fit? -Juan Pablo” She’s excited. “Wish me luck!” “I have been waiting for weeks now to kiss Juan Pablo. This would be the perfect setting for a first kiss.”

Andi: “Am I gonna be completely left behind? I’m super worried at this point.”

JP: “Renee is so cute. I can’t wait to see her today.”

I really like Renee, but I don’t see her and JP ending up together. I don’t see them as a good match. JP: “She’s just like me. It’s so nice to find someone on the same page at the same time.” They walk into a shop to get a traditional dress. The fabric is GORGEOUS. Renee: “When I’m with Juan Pablo, everything else stops.” JP: “It’s good for me to take care of her a little bit.”

They walk down the streets and shop by in little shops. They find something for Ben (her son) and Camila (his daughter). Renee: “I can definitely see having a family with Juan Pablo.” They climb into a boat and have a few drinks. Renee reeeeally wants JP to kiss her.

It’s evening and Renee walks out in her custom dress. JP: “She looks good in her dress.” They have dinner at a local restaurant surrounded by candles and lanterns. They talk about how they both had a good time earlier in the day. JP asks about Ben’s dad. JP: “Renee is an example of what a good mom is.” They chat about single-parenting for a bit. JP: “We’re on the same page.” Renee is sweating buckets.

BACK AT THE HOUSE. Date card! Probably a group date. Andi BADLY wants to NOT be on the group date card. “Can you go with the flow? -Juan Pablo.” On the date is: Sharleen, Chelsie, Kat, Cassandra, Clare, Kelly, Alli, Danielle, Andi.” So the one-on-one goes to … Nikki.

JP: “Renee … her eyes, they hypnotize me.” “Ay, Renee …” JP is holding the rose. He offers it to her, she accepts. Obviously. This date has been kind of boring, I have to be honest. I mean, I’m sure it was nice to actually be on, but to watch, it was boring. But that’s ok. They get little wish lanterns and set them afloat. Juan Pablo says he’s resisting kissing her because of respect for her son.

Group date! Chelsie thinks it’s something to do with the water. They walk up to little circular boats. Bamboo boats. They have to pick partners, and Clare is left to go with Juan Pablo. I bet she’s pretty sad about that. Clare: “I don’t care if the other girls are upset that I’m in a boat with Juan Pablo.” Of course you don’t.

Juan Pablo breaks Sean’s rule AGAIN and kisses Clare in front of the other girls. Jerk. Andi is not happy. “There’s a one-on-one date happening in front of my eyes.” The other girls aren’t happy, either.

Renee and Nikki are chatting. Nikki is excited about her one-on-one. She’s already assuming that she’s going to get the rose at the end of the date.

Chelsie: “Thanks to Clare, my date today has been with Alli. Thanks, Clare.” The girls walk into a family’s home for a traditional meal. All the girls get hats, straw bowls, and knives. They walk out to the garden. Cassandra thinks it’s pretty rad, and that they should have community gardens back in America. I know what she means, but I bet she’s going to get mocked for that comment. Andi is upset about not getting any one-on-one time with JP. “I need something at this point.” She talks to JP. JP: “I want you to be here. I want you to have a good time and I want you to smile till your cheeks hurt.” Andi: “I feel better now.”

Their meal looks delicious. Chelsie: “It smells wonderful.” Kelly: “Clare knows what she wants and she’s here to get it. Can we hate her for that? Well, we can.” Clare: “I’m not going to change how I am or what I am just because of what other people think.”

Everyone walks outside. Alli is excited for the cocktail party. JP makes a toast. Then pulls Clare away. Chelsie: “This is unbelieveable. We are still here on Clare’s one-on-one date with Juan Pablo.” Kelly: “Should we just take the rose down and give it to her?” Kelly is my favourite. I love her attitude. She’s funny. She’s not gonna make the top four or anything, but I want her to be my friend.

Juan Pablo tells Clare what he’s looking for in a lady. The other girls are talking about how discouraged they are. They talk about how Clare made it all about her on the last group date. Clare and JP go into his suite. This isn’t going to end well. They go into the pool alone and make out. Yea, the other girls are totally not going to have a problem with this. Clare: “I think he’s melting the ice queen.”

Date card! Renee grabs it and reads it to Nikki. “Nikki, let’s have a hell of a good time. -Juan Pablo” Nikki thinks it has something to do with fire.

Juan Pablo and Sharleen are walking in the sand. Sharleen: “I need to believe that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears.” I don’t even know what that means. They’re gonna go skinny dipping, aren’t they? That’ll go over about as well as it did with Ben & Courtney. At least Sharleen and Juan Pablo kissing isn’t as awkward as it used to be. Ok, no skinny dipping.

Andi finally gets time with Juan Pablo. She tells him she has doubts about where she stands, and he tries to comfort her. He takes her down to the beach and they make out. Andi: “Sorry, Mom.”

JP picks up the rose: “Ay yiy yiy.” He gives it to Clare. WHO DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING?! Andi is so not happy. “I can’t control anything in this situation. I’m kind of just wondering, what am I doing here?”

Clare tells the other girls how happy she is. She says she’s going to bed, but then says something about swimming in the ocean and goes to JP’s suite to ask him to go swim with her. So they go. Because of course they do. Clare: “It’s like heaven on earth.” JP: “Oh my gosh, Clare, she’s on fire. Ay yiy yiy.” Clare: “We just went for it and I don’t regret it. Pure bliss, in every way. Hands down, one of the best nights in my entire life.”

Yikes. I don’t want to see when the other girls find out about this little stunt. And if Clare’s not the one he ends up with at the end, I feel really bad for whoever he did end up with, as this is probably not fun to watch.

Next up, Nikki’s date! “I’m not the most patient person in the world.” It’s probably better she doesn’t know her boyfriend got some nookie last night. But today, JP: “I can’t wait to see Nikki.”

Nikki’s glad to get out of the house. Hopefully her date is funner than Renee’s date. They’re at Marble Mountain, gorgeous architecture and scenery. AND A BIG DARK HOLE. My legs are numb. They’re repelling into a big dark hole. I’m outa here. Nikki is scared. “I don’t do stuff like this. Either I live, I die, or I poop my pants.”

Nikki’s frozen in fear and not moving at all. JP is trying to coax her into the hell hole. “I’m here, I’m here.” She sees falling into that hole like falling in love: it’s dangerous and there’s a chance of falling. They get to the bottom and do what Juan Pablo does best.

It’s all of a sudden evening and they’re not in the hell hole any more. They’re in a different cave, with candles and romanticky things. Nikki said she’d totally do the repelling-into-the-hell-hole thing again. The mood feels awkward. Nikki says she’s not a morning person. Because not everyone is all sunshine and rainbows all the time. More awkward silence. Juan Pablo asks her what made her decide to be a paediatric nurse. She says there’s nothing she’s more proud of than her job. He asks, “Why kids?” Her: “There’s so much innocence. They’re so innocent and joyful.” She says some of the sickest kids are the happiest kids. She loves going to work every day. I like her answer.

Nikki says she was skeptical of JP at first, but he wouldn’t be the person he is today without Camila, so she’s glad she’s in the picture. JP gushes over her. He picks up the rose and talks about how he gave her group date roses because he likes her. He offers her tonight’s rose. She accepts, obviously. She says the night is perfect. She feels “electrified”. “It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like this.” JP: “I’m liking how she thinks. I’m liking her heart a lot. This is a potential wife right here.”

Looks like it’s time for the cocktail party. Lantern central. So beautiful. Andi calls it “enchanting”. Renee: “Perfect setting for a first kiss.” JP says that each week it gets harder to send people home. Three people are going home tonight. Chelsie says three is a huge chunk of girls to go home. Awkward silence. JP says they should toast to the night. Clare: “Cheers to finding love, being in love, and making love.” Uh …

JP grabs Andi and heads off for some one-on-one time. Andi: “I don’t know if I’m in the friend-zone with him.” “I hate these rose ceremonies.” JP consoles her. And teaches her spanish for, “Give me a little kiss.” JP: “I like Andi, ay yiy yiy. What am I going to do with this girl. Cassandra is a great mom and will be a great step-mom. Sharleen, she’s just got it, totally different than everybody else. Renee, another one of my favourites. I want to kiss her.”

JP and Renee talk about the whole them-not-kissing-yet thing. And in the middle of Renee’s sentence, JP kisses her. CUE THE MUSIC. Renee is over the moon. “Definitely worth the wait.” JP: “Now that I kissed Renee, I feel good about her. … That was the right moment to kiss Renee.”

JP goes off on his own and stresses about things. He likes Renee a lot, and maybe he went too far with Clare the other night in the ocean. Uh, you think? “It wasn’t fair to the other 10 girls in the house.”

He and Clare talk. JP: “It was a little weird for me. I’m too fair with people. There are 10 other people here.” Hindsight is 20/20, Juan Pablo. “Maybe it wasn’t right, but what happened happened already.” Clare says it’s what she would have done if no other girls or any cameras were around. JP says he’s just trying to be fair. Clare says it’s not about fair, it’s about your heart. JP plays the daughter card again. He doesn’t want her to see what happened. THEN DON’T LET YOUR DAUGHTER WATCH THE BACHELOR. Clare starts to cry. JP: “Listen to me, listen to me. Stop crying for me.” He tells her it’s ok, she tells him that he wouldn’t have brought it up if it was ok. “I don’t want you to cry because of me.”

Clare: “The other night I felt GOOD. But that conversation just blind-sided me.” She’s confused. “I don’t know where we go from here.” They do the walk of shame back to the other girls. Nikki says she sees tension. Clare says she’s just trying to follow her heart. “I really do have the best intentions.” She wasn’t trying to disrespect his daughter. In her defence, four-year-olds should not be watching the show. Also, they were far away in the ocean. A four-year-old would assume they were swimming. I’m not saying what they did was right, but it’s only 50% her fault.

Clare takes off. I don’t blame her, that’s uncomfortable. Someone finds her and asks her if she’s crying. “No, it’s just bad allergies.” She says she wants to crawl back in her turtle shell. JP goes to find her. She says she thinks he wants to take the rose back. JP tries to get her to look at him and talk to him. Clare: “Well, why didn’t you just say no to me when I asked you to come swim with me?” He tries to comfort her. Clare: “If he’d said no, I would have respected that.”

The other girls wonder where Clare is. She comes back saying her allergies are awful. The whole place is an awkward mess. Chris comes to save the day, and pulls JP away. Andi: “I’ve never seen anything like that from this group. Something bad is happening.” She has no idea what is going on. Neither does Danielle. “I have no idea how he’s feeling.”

Chris talks about the beautiful experience they’ve had in Vietnam, but says it got serious tonight. Clare, Renee, and Nikki already have roses. JP joins them. “I hate this.” He says he’s loved having them all in Vietnam, and it’s going to be hard to say goodbye. My guesses for who’s going home: Kelly, Danielle, Kat. Only because they’ve had basically zero screen time. Kelly can then move to Saskatoon and be my friend, because I think she’s super fun.

Roses go to: Sharleen, DRAMATIC MUSIC, Cassandra, DRAMATIC MUSIC, Chelsie, DRAMATIC MUSIC AND ANDI LOOKING WORRIED, Kat, DRAMATIC MUSIC ESCALATES. Chris comes out for the final rose announcement. Andi.

So I got two out of three right. Kelly, Alli, and Danielle are going home. JP: “It was a horrible night. I don’t like saying goodbye to people, it’s hard for me.” Danielle says she knew they didn’t have a connection, and it’s hard to see him cry. Alli is sad, but says he’s a good guy and wishes the best for him. Everyone is crying and hugging. Why didn’t Kelly get an exit interview?

PREVIEW TO NEXT WEEK. Looks like Andi finally gets a one-on-one date. Clare is crying again. Sharleen says that the process is too inorganic for her.

Credits! The girls ride water buffalo. Why didn’t this make it into the show? It’s hilarious.

So. That wasn’t a boring episode. Yikes.