The Bachelor: Episode 2 Recap

This week we had a few technical difficulties that led to me watching the last half of the show Monday night and the first half Tuesday morning. But I wrote it chronologically, don’t worry.

I want to live in Bachelor mansion. But without all these people. And without that dog in the pool. Ew. Danielle Fishel’s doppelgänger says something about Clare getting the first date. Clare doesn’t go to bars and does not date online. Just on national television. Gotcha. Juan Pablo walks in to pick Clare up for her date. “This could be my first date with my future husband!” You have a one in 17 chance, lady. JP puts a blindfold on her. He likes surprises. This dude would drive me crazy. I loathe surprises. If Noah threw me a surprise party, I likely wouldn’t speak to him for a month or two.

JP says he planned this date based on her limo exit. I see snow. Anything to do with snow when I’m in a hot location would not be a good idea. Clare seems to like it, though. They’re sledding. Ok, maybe that would be kind of fun in weather that isn’t -40.

The girls back at the house wonder what they’re doing on the date. Lucy is topless in the hot tub. The other three (mostly clothed) girls in the hot tub try to look at her face while she’s talking.

Clare is loving her date. I would have left already. I would not go to LA to play in the snow, no thank you. Though, ok, skating in LA would be kind of neat. Because I skate better than Clare does.

Date card! Date card! The pool dog brings it in. “Kat. I can feel the electricity. Juan Pablo.” Who writes these things?

Meanwhile, Clare and Juan Pablo are in a hot tub surrounded by snow. With the rose nearby. Clare tells JP how rad her dad was, and how hard it is to find a dude like her dad. And she needs to know the correct definition of irony. They cuddle in the hot tub, because that’s what hot tubs are for. JP says they both have high standards, which is good. And he walks through the snow to get her the rose. She accepts. They make out in the make-out tub. They get a private Josh Krajcik show while they dance in the snow in their bathing suits.

Kat is very excited about her date with JP, who is also excited because he’s a surprise guy. They pull up to a private jet. JP walks out in a track suit with an electric heart and gives Kat a neon outfit lit-up outfit. So … they’re going to a rave? A colour run? They’re at the starting line to the electric run in Salt Lake City. Surprise! It’s a 5k run. Just what every girl wants to do on her first date. Sorry, a 5k dance run. Good thing Kat knows how to dance. JP likes that in a girl.

The rest of the girls are at the house. A group date card comes. Chelsie, Christie, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Alli, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria, Lucy. Date card says: “Say Cheese. Juan Pablo.”

Back at the dance electric run. It’s Glow Stick mania. JP and Kat dance on stage in front of a huge crowd. In my head I’m thinking, WHAT A NIGHTMARE. But apparently Kat likes it. Because she can dance and I cannot. Another reason why I’d be a horrid candidate for The Bachelor. JP picks up the rose. It would be super awkward if he didn’t give it to her. But he does. And she accepts. “I can see myself falling in love with Juan Pablo.”

Previews to the group date. Someone is walking a dog down the street. Naked. Miss Free Spirit, I’m guessing.

The group date girls skip out of the house into an alcohol-filled limo. Victoria: “It might turn into a horror show …” So, this would be foreshadowing?

Photo shoot. Bikinis. Guy with green beard comes out to talk. Looks like he walked off the Hunger Games set. JP opens a door and there are a whole bunch of dogs. Alli: “This is, like, my heaven.” Yea, not mine. Excrement everywhere. Lady comes out and talks about a sexy dog photo shoot. Uh? The girls are stoked. As I see their costumes (a fire hydrant?) I’m feeling sorry for them. Green beard is giggling. Alli’s wardrobe is … a sign. She’s not too happy about the nude shoot. Andi has the same wardrobe. She’s not too happy, either. “I put people into jail for a living.”

Andi is really nervous about her nude shoot. I don’t blame her. I’d rather wear the awful fire hydrant. Alli is concerned, too, as she’s a first grade teacher and wants to be a good role model. The art director says that she can be a good naked role model. She talks to Lucy about trading. Lucy’s on board. Lucy: “I was happy to take off my top, as always.” And her bottoms. And walks down the street that way.

JP and Cassandra do a Lady & the Tramp shoot. Spaghetti and all. The not-in-the-shoot girls are jealous. Andi is still freaking out. JP comes to her and says he’ll be naked too, so it’s all good. She’ll be ok. She feels better. They’ll be uncomfortable together. Lucy comes out completely nude, completely comfortable.

I don’t see how naked photos get pets adopted, but apparently I’m a prude. Nudity sells dogs? Allrightythen.

Everyone has clothes on again. They go to a rooftop pool. JP: “You guys were good sports today.” Cassandra and JP saunter off together. She tells him that she calls her mom ten times a day. She tells him she has a son, he’s excited. Her son is almost two, his name is Trey.

Renee and JP go up to a higher roof point. He talks about how his daughter writes the letter i. She gives him some not-so-subtle hints that she wants him to kiss her. They don’t kiss. Awkwaaaard.

The girls are circling the rose. With wine in hand. Victoria is told, “I think you need to tone it down.” “What? I’m not hammered! I just want me some Juan Pablo time. All the time.”

“Everybody really wants time with him and really wants to be with him, which definitely amps up the pressure and amps up the stress.”

“I had not even one glass of champagne. I’m sober.” -Victoria. Uh, girl. How big was that glass? Because if I were you, I’d quit while I was ahead and take a little nap before I made a fool of myself. “Life is about straddling Juan Pablo. And things.” Uh oh. This is going nowhere good.

Nikki and JP go for some chat time. “I like Nikki. I want to get to know Nikki better.” YES!

They’re gonna keep Victoria around for the drama, too, aren’t they? Lady, you need some coffee. Stat. And it’s they heimlich maneuver, not the hymen maneuver. The latter means something very different. Kelly: “I think that Victoria is probably a little desperate.” AREN’T YOU ALL?! No offence, you’re all lovely, but you’re on a nationally-televised dating show. You’re also desperate. But kudos for being sober and desperate.

Oh my. Bikini-clad Victoria is doing a little catwalk in front of JP while he’s having some one-on-one time with Nikki. JP: “She drink a little bit a lot? Aw, poor Victoria.”

Uh, she’s crying in the bathroom. Here’s where she yells about hating him, right? “I want to go home.” Renee crawls under the bathroom stall door to console her. Mad props to Renee. You’re good people, lady. And you might want a hot shower after this.

Mic boom in the shot. Whoopsie.

Victoria is slurring her words. “I’m done. I’m going home. Send me home. I don’t give a ****.” She walks to the elevators. Camera guy says, “We can’t have you going home without shoes.” Elan (one of the producers) leads her away from the elevators and tries to calm her down. “I’m done. Done.” “Okay, I know, why don’t you take a seat.” “I don’t want to take a seat! I’m leaving!” “I need to get you a flight, I need to get you a taxi cab. I can’t let you just leave. For your own safety.” “F*** THAT!” she yells, before skipping away. Aaaaand she’s locked herself in the bathroom stall again.

See, if I were on The Bachelor (which I’ve already proven would never happen for many reasons), I’d stay SOBER or stop after one glass because anyone who has been around drunk me can attest to the fact that, uh, I get a little crazy. Funner crazy than Victoria. I have photos of that crazy, but I do not need nationally-televised video proof of it.

I mean, mom! dad! I’ve never been drunk before ever. Really! Photos? What photos?!

“We’re all in the same situation. We’re all in the same boat, and none of us are acting that way.” Yes, my dear, but that girl in the bathroom stall also has to leave for therapy. Maybe she can go join Lauren H, who left last week. “It’s the Victoria show.” Yes, yes it is.

Lucy walks up to JP and Nikki and says, “I’m so sorry to interrupt, but Victoria, she is losing it, and I didn’t know if I should come over here and see if you wanted to address that situation

“I wanna make sure she is ok. I wanna make sure that Victoria is fine.” You’re a stand-up guy, Juan Pablo. He’s trying to get through to her, “Victoria? Can you talk to me for a second?” “NO!” *sobbing* “I’ll wait for you outside, okay?” He’s more understanding than I would be. I applaud his attitude. Because I missed the first hour, I’m not exactly sure what context this is, but I’m guessing it’s a group date? Because oh, there’s the group date rose. I wonder if Victoria is going to get it … JP: “I feel bad for her, honestly.” He picks up the rose. “The best sport today was Kelly.” Awwwwwww. Kelly: “I don’t have to pack my bags tomorrow, which is a lot of stuff.” And a dog. Is Kelly’s dog still around? I haven’t seen her. Molly, right?

Ayyyyyyyyyyyyy Victoria…

— Juan Pablo Galavis™ (@JuanPaGalavis) January 14, 2014

JP to the rest of the girls: “I want to ask you guys a favour, if you can make sure she gets home safe.” What a way to end a group date. If she doesn’t go home at or before the rose ceremony, this thing is DEFINITELY rigged. All the girls are impressed with how JP handled the Victoria situation. Chantel: “Why are you so perfect? Why is this man so perfect?”

The next day. The group date girls recount the night to the other girls, crazy drunk Victoria. JP goes to see Victoria. “Sorry about last night. I may have overreacted a little? And maybe I should apologize for setting off the crazy train.” Uh, YES, you should sleep it off for a few days. Victoria: “I had a lot of fun up to the, uh, bathroom issue? Yea. … That whole thing was embarrassing.”

The other girls talk about how they feel bad for JP. “It’s not a fun situation.”

“It’s no one’s fault but my own, what happened. Maybe I did drink too much. But I could have handled it better? It was terrible. I’m really sorry.” I respect Victoria for owning up to it. Confessing her mistake, owning up to it, and apologizing, rather than blaming someone else. Good job, girl. Juan Pablo tells her that it’s best she goes home. Yes. Wise decision. “I’m 32 with a daughter … the right thing to do is not wait to the rose ceremony. I think you should go home now.”

JP: “At the end of the day, it’s not just about me, it’s about me and my daughter, and I don’t think it’s right for me to be with someone that cannot handle herself. And what I saw of Victoria, she’s not ready to get in a relationship with someone who has a daughter.” I’m with ya, dude.

Preview of Cassandra crying because she misses her toddler son. I don’t blame you, lady.

Cocktail party. JP walks in and tells the girls that he sent Victoria home. He takes Amy away for some one-on-one time. “I’m actually a reporter.” She’s turning this episode into her audition tape. I’m guessing she’s gonna be one of those ones who uses the Bachelor to launch her career. “I think there’s a good chance I’m gonna get a rose tonight.”

Hey, Canadian girl. WHAT are you wearing? Did you steal that from Ariel? It looks like that piece of ship’s sail she wore after Ursula gave her legs. At least Canadian Girl looks happier than she did on the first night. “I felt like I was really rude when he gave me the first impression rose.” YES YOU WERE. BE MORE CANADIANER! Oh, she’s apologizing. Ok. I might be back on her side, we’ll see how this goes. Juan Pablo is shocked when Sharleen says that it’s nerve-racking to talk to him.

Sharleen walks back in to the room where the other girls are. I want to put a robe on her. Or find the other part of her dress. Clare says, “I’m sitting here going, does he remember our date? Or is it overshadowed by all this other stuff?”

Cassandra sits away from the rest of the girls crying over photos of her son. I feel bad for her. “I just miss Trey, you know?” Yes, I do. When I was in college, my parents missed Kaylie and I agreed to let her go to Terrace for a whole month without me. Noah says I wasn’t a very nice person during that time. Well, DUH. Renee consoles Cassandra. Renee is the consoler. Says she relates, as she’s a single mom missing her son as well.

Juan Pablo runs upstairs after the girls. At least this is an understandable sadness, not an attention-getting drunk stunt.

I like Renee. She’s a class-act.

Cassandra talks to Juan Pablo. JP is very understanding. “I know, because I been there. … I see you and Renee different than how I see anyone else. If I don’t see something, I will tell you right away. Because I know that you have a kid waiting for you.” Awww. I like this guy. I like when I can root for the dude, instead of feeling bad for whoever ends up with him.

ROSE CEREMONY. Chris: “Only the first week in the house and things are already pretty intense.” That’s an understatement.

Kat, Kelly, and Clare already have roses. Juan Pablo comes in and picks up the first rose. Cassandra. (There’s her answer. I hope she is able to facetime with her kid or something.) Nikki. (Yay!) Andi. Elise. (What is up with the back of her hair?) Sharleen. (SMILE THIS TIME.)(She pulls the “sure” again! Trying to be funny. IT’S NOT FUNNY. SMILE AND BE THANKFUL, WOMAN!) Renee. (Well-deserved.) Danielle. Lucy. (Andi does not look happy. ) Allison. Chelsie. Lauren. FINAL ROSE! Chris: “This is the final rose tonight.” We couldn’t do this without you, Mr. Harrison. Christie.

Nobody walked up when their name wasn’t called. Score!

Going home is: Topanga (Amy L), and Chantel. Victoria is already gone.

Amy L: “I really did come here with an open heart, but I guess I’m not what he’s looking for.” She leaves with a good attitude. I like her. Chantel: “I didn’t see this coming.” None of the girls do, my dear. “He’s everything I was looking for. It’s so hard when you leave everything to come here for love and leave without it.”

Toast to the girls who remain!

Preview of the bachelor couples who are still together. Preview of Sean & Catherine’s wedding. (Yay!) Preview of the fun still to come in Juan Pablo’s season. JP: “This is what I need, this is what I want.” Oooh, two-on-one date. Those have got to suck. (For the ladies.) “I don’t want to share him with anyone else.” Um, your boyfriend has more than a dozen girlfriends. Get used to it. Juan Pablo breaks Sean’s rule of not letting the other girls see him kissing someone. YOU HAD ONE JOB!

If my math is correct, fourteen remain.