Noah came into the bedroom where I was hiding out. He’d just tucked Liliana in. “Liliana ratted you out,” he said. I racked my brain for what I could have done that day but couldn’t think of anything tattle-worthy. “She said that you are treating her like a servant because you made her get out of bed to turn off her music.”
OH MY WORD. CALL CHILD SERVICES.
This isn’t the first time she’s used this line. Nor the second or third. The other day she wanted her water bottle refilled the other day and I informed her that she was perfectly capable of doing it on her own. “DO YOU WANT ME TO BE A SERVANT?!” I helped her take the lid off and pointed her in the direction of the sink. Where the water is.
Other things she’s said lately:
Liliana: “So, what’s my nickname?”
Me: “Lili?”
Liliana: “Right. So … Liliana Lili Wilson?”
Me: “No, Liliana Flynn Wilson. Lili is your nickname, Flynn is your middle name.”
Liliana: “Really?!”
Liliana: “What’s the first element?”
Me: “Hydrogen, I think.”
Liliana: “What? No! Honesty!”
“Today in school we learned about a bucket being half full and today Kaylie EMPTIED MY BUCKET.”
About parent-teacher conferences: “Daddy, I’m telling you again for the first last time. You need to tell your boss as soon as you get to work tomorrow that you have a very important meeting at lunch time. Okay? Okay, Dad? You need to tell that to your boss.”
As I was rubbing coconut oil on Liliana’s eczema …
Lili: “Where does coconut oil come from?”
Me: “Coconuts.”
Lili: “And where did the coconuts come from? I think castawaves got the coconuts, and then they went in a boat and sailed to Saskatoon and then to Canada. And did you know that Canada is an island? It’s a big island.”
“Mama, do the dinosaur eggs in the cereal hatch? I sure hope not, because dinosaurs are extinct.”
After giving me a goodnight hug, “Hugging is a way to show peace.”
Was getting ready to go out for the evening and came into the kitchen to grab something when she said to me, “Oh, Mum! You should wear that for Halloween!”
“Mom, did you ever have triplets?”
“We were playing on the iPods for so long that our backs started hurting and our brains got scribbled.”
At dinner…
Sue: “Noah, are you having more?”
Noah: “No, I can’t eat as much as I used to.”
Liliana: “Why not? Your tummy’s bigger!”
To Kaylie’s friend about our new door: “Mom ripped the other one off with her muscles!”
After being sent away from the table for saying rude things about dinner and not even trying one bite, “So you want me to starve to death tonight? Do you not even care about me?!”
Liliana: “Mom! Can I babysit Preston while you drive Kaylie to swimming?”
Me: “Nope.”
Liliana: “WHAT?! WHY!?”
“Mama, I just had a nightmare that everyone turned into zombies and the world was a dark zombie planet and it lighted on fire and the whole world burned up.”
“Did you used to be an ordinary girl, Mom?”
“MAMA! I TOLD YOU I NEED TO BE IN BED BY SEVEN-THIRTY! YOU NEED TO TAKE ME HOME!”
After trying to unlock the wrong van and finally finding ours: “I’m so glad we didn’t steal that van! Because then the cops would have found us and put us in jail! It would be dark, scary, no food at all! It would not be good!”
“I think I have short-term memory loss, just like Dori does.”
Preston to Liliana: “STOP IIIIIIIIIT!”
Me to Liliana: “Stop bugging him!”
Liliana: “I’m not bugging him! Or maybe I am bugging him, whatever.”
After getting her some cereal she said, “You can sit down now.”
Liliana: “Well, actually, that’s a common misconception.”
Kaylie: “What? Where do you even learn these words? I have no idea what you’re saying.”
“WHY does my life have to be so PATHETIC all the time?!”
“This is the WORST day EVER! All because of GROWN-UPS. We’re supposed to be NICE to our kids!”
“Thanks for dinner, Mom! You’re one of the bestest moms ever! I even love you with the other half of my heart!”
Earlier I told Liliana I’d see her next year. “Where are you going?” she asked. I told her it was New Year’s Eve. “But where are you going?”
— Jen Wilson (@jenwilsonca) January 1, 2014
Liliana, after being told to play alone (a consequence of her actions): “Now what do you want me to do? Cry to DEATH?!”
— Jen Wilson (@jenwilsonca) January 1, 2014
Trying to explain to Liliana that it is unwise to go to church when she’s coughing everywhere. It’s not going well. “CAN’T YOU SEE I’M SAD?”
— Jen Wilson (@jenwilsonca) December 29, 2013
Liliana is sick. This is never a good thing. “I’M GOING TO DIE!” No, kid, but I might not make it.
— Jen Wilson (@jenwilsonca) December 12, 2013
Liliana is having her life ruined: "I TOLD MYSELF YOU ARE JUST SO FRUSTRATING SOMETIMES! I DON'T EVEN WANT TO GO TO THE LIBRARY WITH YOU!"
— Jen Wilson (@jenwilsonca) December 8, 2013
© Jen Wilson 2013. All rights reserved. | Originally published for jenwilson.ca as things Liliana says.