The Bachelor: Episode 1 Recap

Juan Pablo. Hwon Pahblow. He had barely any screen time on Desiree’s season of The Bachelorette and didn’t even get a one-on-one date, yet he was apparently the most popular of the suitors. Most popular according to the viewers, not the bachelorette, as she picked someone else. Not who I would have picked if I were her, BUT THAT’S OKAY.

Ok. Onward. Here is my Bachelor recap. I wrote it as I was watching, so if it seems a bit disconnected, that’s why.

I love how they begin each season with previews to all the lovely stuff and then all the trainwreck stuff. Do they pay him to keep certain women around for a while to make things interesting? I’m thinking YES.

Going through what I’ve been through, I respect any guy who is dedicated to his child(ren). It’s a very attractive quality in a person. It’s obvious Juan Pablo is very involved in his daughter’s life, and I also like how he speaks positively about her mother. There’s nothing to be gained by speaking negatively about your child’s other parent, especially when you’re talking around or to your child. I liked that about him on The Bachelorette, too. He didn’t talk a lot about his daughter onscreen for attention (like some did), but the other guys mentioned how much he talked about his daughter. It was very sweet.

I’m already guessing that Camila will be the best-dressed and most-well-behaved female on the show. Even though she’s four-and-a-half and the others are grown-ups.

I wish I knew another language and could have raised my kids to be bilingual.

Oh, hey, Sean! He was one of my favourite Bachelors. Because he didn’t seem slimy. And I think he and Catherine are adorable. Sean’s advice: Kiss ALL THE LADIES. You’re not going to remember their names. Keep an open mind. You’re going to have a beautiful engagement and then you’re going to be cleaning skunk-sprayed dogs at 2am.

Shower scene. There’s always a shower scene. ALL THE AB SHOTS.

It’s pretty rad that he gets to have his daughter close (but not too close)(as in, away from the crazy ladies) while he does the LA weeks. I think that would be my biggest concern if I was on the show. Having my kid close by but not involved with the crazies. Though I would never apply to the show, because (a) I’m married, (b) I could never make an audition tape that (c) might end up on national TV. Not going to happen.

How many plugs will there be for Sean and Catherine’s wedding? I GET IT. IT IS ON MY CALENDAR. I WILL WATCH.

Who wants to vote Chris Harrison to be the next Bachelor? I vote Jillian Harris to host.

Chelsie. 24, science educator. I’m gonna vote no on this one.

Renee. 32, real estate agent. Single mom of Ben, 8. She throws a great spiral. I like her.

Andi. 26, assistant district attorney. “Helping my community is something I am truly passionate about.” I’m choosing her for final three.

Amy J. 31, massage therapist. Um. I’m gonna go no on this one. She rubs me the wrong way.

Nikki. 26, paediatric nurse. Oh my word that kid is adorable. I like her attitude. She’s another Top Three.

Lauren H. 25, mineral coordinator. (What is a mineral coordinator?) Already has a wedding dress. Fiance broke up with her over the phone. Not awesome. That really sucks. But … she’s on my no list.

Valerie. 26, personal trainer. “Ugly people need love, too.” You’re on my no list, Valerie.

Lacy. 25, nursing home owner. Large family, many special needs siblings. LOVE that she also wants to do that with her life, take after her parents. She opened an elderly care centre. Yea, I’m gonna add her to the final spot on the Top Three list.

Clare. 32, hairstylist. Youngest of six girls. Total daddy’s girl. Looks a bit like Kristen Bell. I like her. And oh crap, now I have four in my final three.

Ok, assuming the final three are in those first group, let’s go … Andi, Nikki, Clare. With Lacy as runner-up. And maybe Renee in the final five. And the winner? I dunno … I guess Nikki. It’s so hard to choose, as there obviously also has to be chemistry between the two, not just me thinking she’s a rad lady.

Juan Pablo: “I don’t like hurting people.” Uh, dude? That is now your job. Sorry ’bout that. And here come the ladies.

Amy L, 27, local news reporter. She looks a bit like Danielle Fishel. I like her dress. Rose.

Cassandra, 21, former NBA dancer. Oh, awkward silence. Hello, crickets. It’s not gonna work out. No rose.

Christy, 24, marketing manager. She kind of scares me. “I’m so glad it’s you.” That’s what they all say. Rose.

Christine, 23, police support specialist. A gift for his daughter. That’s quite sweet. Rose.

Nikki. What’s that tattoo on her back? JP: “No more limos.” Rose.

Kat, 29, medial sales rep. “I’m a dancer.” I see your mic pack, Kat. Rose.

Chantel, 27, account manager. I don’t know what that even means. I guess I’ll give her a rose.

Victoria, 24, legal assistant. I love how JP says her name. Not a fan of her dress, but I like her. Rose.

Lucy, 24, free spirit. Oh boy. Here’s the drama. I bet she gets a rose, but one that the producers told JP to give.

Danielle, 25, psyciatric nurse. LOVE her hair. She’s using a bribe for one-on-one time. Okay, I’ll give her a rose.

Oh, this is awkward. Lauren S, 26, music composer. I’m a sucker for piano music. Rose.

Hey, JP! Are you giving away the first impression rose already? Is that why you’re rushing inside? Oh, no. He didn’t get her name. Lauren.

Chelsie. Um, dude. Nice trick. But I already voted no to you.

Valerie. “LOOK AT MY BOOTS.” Someone rehearsed what she was going to say. I think I already voted no rose for her.

Elise, 27, first grade teacher. “We actually have so many things in common.” YOU JUST MET. No rose.

Ashley, 25, grade school teacher. Her dress looks like a Jillian dress. No rose.

Woah. Clare. Fake belly? Oh my word. JP: “You look gorgeous with that belly.” YOU SAID ALL THE RIGHT THINGS, Juan Pablo.

Alli, 26, nanny. Brought in a soccer ball. Good idea. Rose.

Amy J. Oh my. I don’t think she’s gonna make it through the first episode. No rose.

Renee, 32, real estate agent. I like her. JP: “Bye, Mama.” You know, I’d find this endearing. It seems cultural. But I’m sure someone will make a stink about it. Rose.

Lauren H. Scrunchy face. Rose, but won’t last long.

Maggie, 24, personal banker. Her accent is adorable. “I hope you’re going to be the big catch I’ve been waitin’ for.” Okay, rose.

A dog? Rose. Kelly, 27, dog lover. Does being a dog lover pay? Almost as much as being a free spirit?

Lacy. A prescription from Cupid’s pharmacy. Cheesy, but cute.

Alexis, 24, communications director. Begins with Spanish. Nice one. Rose.

Kylie, 23, interior designer. Reminds me of Vicki Lewis. Kind of scares me. (She scares me, not Vicki Lewis.)(I love Vicki Lewis.)

Sharleen, 29, opera singer. CANADIAN! Automatic rose. JP: “Sing-gers. I like sing-gers.”

Andi. She’s already a favourite.

Is that 27 now? Oh, awkward look at the camera, JP. I bet he’s forgot 25 names already.

Chris brings up the first impression rose. It’s my favourite, because it’s the most awkward. JP walks into the room holding his 27 girlfriends. Good luck, dude! Oh, that free spirit is going to cause mischief. After the dance party. Here’s another reason I could not be on the show. I cannot dance. Or, I can, but it should never be on national television. “I’m not afraid.” Are you sure, JP?

Nikki takes him away. Already planning the hometown date. Smart.

Renee. To the point. He remembered her kid’s name. That’s pretty rad. Bonding over parenting.

Lucy. “Bam, I’m here. Do I seem like I need any more confidence?” JP: “Lucy’s a little crazy.” Tip of the iceberg, my dear.

Oh no. Massage lady. I wonder what JP thought Amy J said when she said “essential oils”. Oh, this is awkward. So awkward. Who uses oils OVER clothes? Is that good for the fabric? This is bad. Is there an awkwardest moment rose?

Chris brings in the first impression rose. Cue the women saying why they deserve it. “I’m such a good person!” Yea, good people don’t say that. Kylie, oh dear. “I deserve a rose if anybody does.” The photo booth is actually a good idea. I like it. But oh my, the crazies. “Where’s your belly now?” He’s actually quite sweet. I bet the “winner” gets knocked up quickly. “What do I need to do to get my one-on-one time with him.” First crier. “I’m always so positive.” says the crier. I think she should have gone to therapy before heading to the Bachelor. I hope she finds some help. For real. I’m not being sarcastic.

This Ashley lady is so sweet trying to console Lauren. Thinking of others before yourself doesn’t happen often on this show. Oh, here we go. She finally gets her one-on-one time. “I’m so over it.” Uh, no, you’re not. “I got a phone call at work that it was over.” That’s low, yes. More awkward silences. “I hope so badly that I didn’t mess it up.” Well, you’re a mess on the first night, deary. You need to go home, be close to those who love you, and heal for a while. A long while.

Andi. She fascinates me and scares me at the same time. I wouldn’t want to be on her bad side, but at the same time, she seems like a sweetheart.

Sharleen. CANADIAN! Vegetarian. She said “weiner”. More awkward. JP gets the first impression rose. While Sharleen talks of no connection. Awkward awkward awkward. “Seriously?” Lady. Step 1: Be nice.

“Will you accept this rose?”
“Sure.”

YOU ARE GIVING A BAD NAME TO CANADIANS. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE POLITE AT THE VERY LEAST! Wow. Um. I want to root for the Canadian, but … I can’t root for her after that. I don’t think she wants to be there.

On to the rose ceremony. “I will be devastated if I don’t get a rose tonight.” Yes, we know. We get it. You put your life on hold, you travel, you live in a house with 26 other “girlfriends”. That can’t be easy. To have everything built up and then to go home on the first night, I always feel bad for the people who go home first, whether it’s the Bachelor, Bachelorette, or Survivor. I imagine it would be a huge let-down. But at least on this show you’re not the only one. You’re not going out alone. There are others feeling how you do. Solidarity!

Chris: “If you do not hear your name, you’ll be going home immediately.” Do they actually go home? Or is there a holding area for the rejects so it’s not obvious who got the first boot?

Roses going to: Clare. (Yay!) Nikki. (Yay!)(And she nailed it. “Absolutely!” is the right answer when getting a rose. Not “Sure”.) Renee. (Yay!) Andi. (All my favourites!) Alli. Chantel. Lauren S. (I feel bad for the girls who have initials at the end of their names. I tried giving my kids rare-but-not-weird names to avoid this, growing up as one of three hundred gazillion Jennifers.)(Though Kaylie became much more popular than I thought it was. Whoops.) Kelly (and Molly). Cassandra. (I love that name.) Danielle. Chelsie. Kat. (OH NO! KYLIE WALKED UP! She thought it was her name that was called. “Can you take both of us?” Oh, so awkward. Yikes. Ouch. That sucks so much for Kylie.) Victoria. Christy. (She scares me.) Lucy. (Seriously. The producers had to have a hand in that one.) Elise. Amy L. (Oh, awkward.)

Said in my best Jeff Probst voice: “Seventeen remain. Who will be voted out tonight?!”

The goodbyes are awkward. They have to be a bit humiliating, I’m sure. But they always have Bachelor Pad? “I expected to be here for a long time.” “I cannot believe that I am going home the first night.” “I am sick of people feeling sorry for me.” Are there therapists there for these ladies?

Previews: WHAT THE HECK ARE THOSE GIANT BALLS THEY’RE ROLLING DOWN THE HILL IN?! Those look terrifying. Ok, I think I want to be on the crew of the Bachelor. Because I want to go to all those places. And I like working behind the scenes. “Are they kissing?” DUDE! Sean warned you! YOU HAD ONE JOB! Topless crazy girls on a rooftop. “I just don’t know if I should be here.” “You think I’m being loud now?” “We have a bomb to drop.” “She thinks that that is her man.” “I’m not ok with being disrespected like that.” “I can’t take it any more.” “It makes me sick.” “I would rather end up with nobody.” “Juan Pablo I hope you die!” “I don’t want to do this interview any more.”

WELL! This should be a fantastic season.

I like the ending. Juan Pablo and Sean. Salsaing. Magically shirtless. I like that they ended on a funny note.

Ok, so. Best moment of the episode: the belly out of the limo, and JP’s reaction to it.

Most awkward moment of the episode: a tie between the massage and the wrong woman walking up to accept the rose.

Worst moment: the one Canadian. Being rude. EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE ARE KNOWN FOR.

I watched JP on Jimmy Kimmel as well, and he did pretty good not giving any spoilers. I imagine it’s hard, and that he’s threatened within an inch of his life to not reveal anything. If I remember right, Jimmy picked correctly the top three and the winner from Sean’s season. For Juan Pablo he has Andi, Renee, and Nikki as the final three, with Nikki being the winner. Apparently Jimmy and I see things very similarly.

If you’re a Bachelor fan, who do you think Juan Pablo will choose in the end?